Saturday, December 17, 2011

Creative Craigslist

    Greetings to everyone who decides to read this blog.  I'm fully aware that I haven't updated my blog in quite some time.  And due to my ability for typing, or lack of, I may not post one for a while after this one.  But I guess only time will tell. 

    Today I came across something that made me want to blog about.....Craigslist!!!!  Only on Craigslist and similar social networks can you find such a diverse group of individuals.  However, the Best of Craigslist is reserved for, in my opinion, the most CREATIVE people.  I am astounded at the approach some people take, or maybe my creative process is a litlle behind theirs, but whatever th case is,  I felt it was my duty, my obligation, to introduce to all of those who are not familiar with this abundance of pure entertainment.....Craigslist's Elite Thinkers!!!!

    Best Roomate Ever

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

    Coffee Table Of the Gods

This coffee table is perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.
As you can see from the photo, the majestic beauty of this coffee table rivals earthly treasures such as: the color of the sky at sunset, the laughter of a small child, and infidelity.

Qualities of the table:
-The muthertrucker spins
-Doesn't have any weird splotches under black lights

Due to the assumed large demand for this table, all inquirers will be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of badass-ity.

The price of the table is firm: $7.83, four cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a framed photo of Betty White.
    Jedi to Induce Labor

I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.
I was hoping that tonight's full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I'm looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way's of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you!

    These are but a few of the abundance of funny ass ads on there.  Check them out by googling best of craigslist.

   There is creative reading as well as creative writing.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bored...My life on Duty

I've realized that the times I am on the computer the most is when I'm at work!  I know that sounds bad, but it's usually because I have 24 hour duty regularly.  I volunteer to stay at work to ensure the safety of  our future soldiers and be here for any situation that may arise.  Sounded good huh!  Actually I am forced to stay here "just in case." And, most of the time, nothing ever happens.  So, needless to say, I sit on Facebook, Youtube, and random websites that hold my interest until the night has expired and they release me to go on my way the following day!!!
While on this boring duty we call CQ (Charge of Quarters) I've become increasingly amused with funny news, dumb criminals, and comical newspaper headlines.  I've browsed a plethora of websites containing these and it never fails to amaze me at how obtuse people seem to be at times.
I have decided to post a few of these that have made me laugh, sometimes outloud, to myself!  I am also trying to figure this blogging thing out and I figure I gotta write blogs to learn to write blogs!!
                                     Dumb Criminals

§  This smells odd-When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
§   Check it out-Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
§  Change Please- A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter.  The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. 
                       Newspaper Headlines

§  Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
§  Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
§  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

I could sit here and post all of these stories and headlines or you could just check them out using google....That's how I roll!!  There is so many random things on the internet these days that I'm sure you can find something to make you LOL!! 

 I am certain that laughing is therapeutic and will lighten the mood for anybody, regardless of the circumstances.  You have to just take the time to laugh, if not you'll live a mind numbing, unexciting, repetitive life!

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !

My Introduction to the Blogging World!

     I would like to start this off by saying, Hello everyone who decides to read my blog.  I have started this blog to post about heaps of useless, yet entertaining ideas, thoughts, stories and pretty much anything I deem useless and funny enough to be blogged about! 
     I'm an avid blog reader and enjoy reading other peoples blogs so I figured,"Why Not!"  Like I just stated, I am an avid blog reader, so I want mine to be a little different than others I have read.  My intentions with this blog are to get you to laugh, think, and be civil towards each other. 

      I have come to the conclusion that there are enough blogs, websites, and anything else you can think of via the internet, television, magazines, and books that cause debates and arguments, and not nearly enough that promote fun and pleasureable entertainment between friends. 

      Now, don't get me wrong, I like a good debate occasionally, and can generally hold my own, but I've began to notice a trend of hatefulness between people as opposed to a constructive, enlightening debate, in which all parties involved, walk away from the table with a piece of mind.

     I have decided to stear away from the topics that tend to stir up controversy and just blog about anything and everything that pops into my completely random thought process!!!  I think it sounds fun and hope, at least a few of you, will join me. 

     I have never actually done a blog, and I'm fully aware that I'm not the best in grammar, punctuation, or English for that matter, so I just ask that you bear with me while I embark on this journey of being ridiculed and scrutinized for every comma I forget and every word I misspell!!!

    I hope you all enjoy....until next time, keep it real and live the dream!!!!!